woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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