why didn't you poke me back
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
