i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
