she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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