Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
