He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
