I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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