Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm passing your future prison.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
