I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
