I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
