She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
