he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
