How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
