God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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