Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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