Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
