Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
How does one acquire holy water?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
