I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Swine flu. Run for my life!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
