update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We have started to decorate penises.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
