I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
