I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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