Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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