someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
