I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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