i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
