i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
