I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
