I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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