Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
