dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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