can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
