remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
