Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
