I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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