just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
