You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
