Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
