I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
