just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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