I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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