in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
