Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
