saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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