Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
