Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
