She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize