at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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