Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
