ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
