She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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