I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
