He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
