I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
