Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
