I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
