ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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