I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
My feet surprised me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
