i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
A+ Viking dick
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
