One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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