My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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