I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
