life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
