Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
We left the knife in your bed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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