I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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