Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
